Hope

by Eva
(Haarlem)

Good Afternoon,

I wish people can pray for me.
I went from a ambitious happy woman to an anxious depressed one. I'm having a fear (ocd) for getting older, I'm now 29. In my head I'm continiously flashing forward. This brings me to an existential crisis, so far that I don't know how to act anymore and can't fantasize about a future. Makes me highly insecure, low self esteem, confused, bitter, anxious, ashamed ect. Sometimes I'm myself and feeling happy but then reality hits me up. I lost all and can't see perspective. I'm looking for hope, that things work out and something I can be passionate about again. I'm constantly beating the thought: you have all now, but you will lose and get old anyway..even when you don't want...so don't get use to your happiness or self esteem/ what you gonna do when you not happy and your dreams are gone...Maybe you not even get a family... You are already gone...You just have to stay on earth because killing yourself is not allowed....ect.

All my opinions are gone, my talents, my thoughts. Constantly; why would you beat this thoughts? For what? So you can get old (like that is your dream). Getting stronger/ a goal is good, but no matter what you will lose your life and have to stay.... You will be trapped in an old body and your soul will never shine like before. Ect ect ect. MAKES ME SCREAM OUT FOR DEAD. I CANT DESCRIBE THE TORTURE. I I also have adhd. I always look forward/ need a goal ect. Otherwise it's pure torture. I feel my strength ect

I'm just laying on the couch for months now. I love life so much but It feels contradicting.